Shiny New Journal

Well,

I'm not sure where to begin so I will start with today. Nic is coming home tomorrow. PH doesn't feel they can provide the care they need for her, even though her psych asked them to keep her another week until we can work out a plan. I'm worried about her reaction. I hate seeing her thrown from place to place but I feel so much better knowing she's safe. Hubs and I had a nice peaceful dinner and watched a movie. It was almost relaxing but I can't stop thinking about Nic.

Hubby is having big trouble with work and can't take anytime away for at least the next month. After that he will be out of the country. After that he needs to go back to developing. He works constantly and will lock himself away for days at a time. Apparently one of their games went south this afternoon because of some hooplah I dont understand or frankly care to. During the conversation I stopped him and reminded him he was the one who suggested we stop life until Nic is at least on the right track. "He has to do these things" Catch 22 is without him working, no insurance, no money, no treatment.

It's all so frustrating. I feel like i'm trying to hold a stick house together in the middle of a tornado after everyone's run off to hide. I called and spoke with my sister today to cancel thanksgiving for sure and possibly Christmas. Her response, "Why can't she just eat for awhile so you all aren't missing holidays. This whole thing is absurd!" I know the whole family will give the same or similar response so i'm not calling anyone else. She can gossip it all around and I can avoid calls for a few days.

I don't understand why they won't keep her another week. This is really ripping me. She's not an immediate danger to anyone or herself and doesn't feel suicidal. Starvation seems pretty dangerous to me. Is that not valid? I am sick and tired of the mental health care in this country. It truly is disgusting.

When I was 14 my parents threw me into a hospital and I was told "Eat or you won't see your parents again." It's the same mentality. Eat and impress us while you're here and then out the door. tonight will be a night without sleep. I will be up tossing and turning trying to figure what to do on it. I feel the urgency of everything flooding me and I am so overwhelmed. Hubby's started smoking again after a year.

I wish I knew what to do or say to save my baby girl, just to bring her back. Her smile, her hugs her laugh. I miss her liveliness. It's hard looking at her again, she's become a shell of a person all over. I love her to bits no matter though.

Kathleen