The past month has been filled with so many tears, harsh words and cold stares. Even looking at Nic sometimes I feel tears start to build behind my eyes. She looks so sad, hurt and broken. I want to fix her and lift her spirits. I want her to be happy and fulfilled. I want to do everything for her. I'm still on the search for good books. It's getting too hard to sit at the computer and try to read through articles. I want to be armed fully with knowledge and a new level of understanding. I don't know how I recovered and I talked to Tim about my ED and my frustration that I dont feel I understand and he said "Do you even remember those years?" Quite honestly I don't. It all seems like a fog looking back. Years of my life are gone because I was so detached from reality. I went through the motions of living but never really lived. I didn't talk or reach out to friends or loved ones. I lost so many relationships because I didn't have the energy to do anything. I had a constant paranoia that everyone was going to try and make me eat and thus I stayed away from everyone.

I think I find it most hard to help Nic and to relate to her because I had absolutely no emotion when I was dealing with my ED. I can't relate to her emotional state and in the end that is what she will need. To deal with the emotion she has been covering and numbing with the ED. But for now, every spoonful is a defeat. Every spoonful is medicine.

I'm so thankful Tim will be home tomorrow. My stress level is very high and my health is on the decline. I don't know how i've gotten out of bed especially the last 2 days. I think once Tim gets home I will know I can rest easier and get some quality sleep.
Nic went to her room about a half hour after her smoothie snack and I followed after her and caught her leaning out of her window. Long story short she admitted she'd been purging out of her window. I've appointed Tim to take the hose through the yard when he gets home tomorrow.


I absolutely must keep this in mind also. I want to post it here so that I can see it and remind myself of it anytime I need it.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.