I'm absolutely exhausted. I finally found a therapist for myself I hope can help and I will be seeing her on Monday. I'm more in need of a sounding board than anything else. I don't want to spend each session educating her but I hope she will be accepting of a simple sum up. Tim and I talked tonight and we're going to do some counseling together on our own issues to hopefully be able to communicate better. Today was a very long day. We had to take Nic's NG out because she was getting nosebleeds which is not on the list of complications the doc gave me. I called ask a nurse and they said it was likely from dryness and irritation. She is eating well so we will see how that goes. If she's having trouble we'll go back to the hospital if she keeps doing well we'll keep pushing forward. I really need to sleep.

Bad Day!!!

We got Nic from the hospital around 3. Tim was irritated with the ng tube and going on about it. "Can't she just take it out while we're with family?" As if it's an unwanted fashion accessory. Nic apparently was given permission from her Dad to drink which didn't treat her well. Tim got completely drunk and disrespectful and then let me know that he "needed a break from all of the anorexia bullshit, and he couldn't handle it anymore. And no one listened to his opinions." So Nic and I made the very quiet very tense 2 hour drive back home. I'm so tired of this. I think Tim and I have been falling apart for years but I don't want Nic's relapse to be "the final straw" that's guilt she doesn't need because it wouldn't even be the true cause. Just an excuse for him I think. My life is taking a very strange turn and i'm tired of holding on for dear life waiting to see where it will end up. I can't seem to get a grip on anyone's choices to know what to expect next and nothing is even close to predictable right now. There's no way I can do this on my own. If this is it for Tim and I, Nic will have to go to treatment until I can sort a better plan. I just don't know. I am so tense and stressed. I hope he just needed to have a stress free night. I did call and he said we'd talk later. Maybe later means tomorrow maybe later means next month. I'm almost physically sick with all of this. I hope Tim comes around and understands he can't start drinking the way he does again. I just don't know. I need sleep. Nic got home and went straight to bed. I'm not sure if she's upset about the hospital stint or tonight. I don't know how i'll ever keep up with her without back up. Oh, I hope he comes home by tomorrow.

Not exactly as thanksgiving should be but here we are. I cant post more until we are home because the hospital has terrible service and it takes too long to send and post with "blogger mobile "

सभी तस्वीरें कॉपीराइट किलोवाट के लिए बिना अनुमति के नकल मत करो रहे हैं

What a night. Nic pulled her tube out a few times last night and now has a nurse in her room supervising her. She's still medically unstable and they are testing liver, heart and kidney function. The Doctor told Tim she threatened to leave against medical advice and that insurance wouldn't pay for her stay if that happened. So, the doctor told Nic if she wanted to leave she would have to sign herself out but before she could sign he would have her transferred to the psych ward where they COULD hold her and she would still have the ng tube and probably stay longer.
He also asked Tim if we were opposed to them placing a g tube. I'm not sure of the difference between the two and after researching i'm glad we said no. That seems a little more long term and I don't want her becoming dependent on a feeding tube for nutrition. The doctor mentioned it would keep her from pulling it out and the ng tube may cause a sinus infection but the could switch the tube from her right to left and vice versa.

Her iron level is 8.2 (hg)and strictly iron 32.5 the doctor said she can't possibly be menstruating at these levels. I am no medical genius but I have no idea what that has to do with anything. He is also wanting to do a bone marrow evaluation if she doesn't respond to the iron treatments. They are testing everything which is scaring me. I'm holding my breath that everything is ok. She's been dealing with this damn anorexia so long I worry how much damage it's done.

Today only has one answer. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Therapy went well today. Nic's been in a really rotten mood and we had a really bad afternoon. She refused to get out of bed and kept screaming about how fat and disgusting she was. Dad gave her an hour and then started to pack her bag "just in case" we needed to head to the hospital for the boost. We ended up calling the police for a welfare check after she threatened to "end it all" and started scratching her arms. She pulled herself together once the police showed up. I am so proud of Tim for not backing down. I was waiting to step in once he gave in but he didn't. We've gotten the cold shoulder since but she's had her lunch and is working on her snack now.

And she's gained 2.2 pounds :)

Breakfast was hard and was a little more drawn out than meals have been for the past week. We went almost the full 2 hours but she was eating the entire time. Chewing very slowly. She puts her food into tiny sections on her plate and eats each section very slowly. It drives her dad bonkers but I understand it. It's still a sense of controlling how much she's eating just not in the long run. In the moment it's about eating "how much" at a time. But she ate everything and that's what counts. She actually turned down the shake and said "Mom I can't live the rest of my life on smoothies I want to be able to eat food like 'real' people"


Nic is going to see her psychiatrist in a few hours and we're seeing her nutritionist at 3. I'm going to go to her school during her psych visit to see if something can't be done about the girls who sent her nasty texts messages. I had to turn the power on her phone off on Friday because I didn't want to read anymore of the crap. Nic is very sensitive to things people say and is always hyper vigilant about what people are thinking of her and if people like her.

Every spoonful is defeat. Every bite is medicine.

The past month has been filled with so many tears, harsh words and cold stares. Even looking at Nic sometimes I feel tears start to build behind my eyes. She looks so sad, hurt and broken. I want to fix her and lift her spirits. I want her to be happy and fulfilled. I want to do everything for her. I'm still on the search for good books. It's getting too hard to sit at the computer and try to read through articles. I want to be armed fully with knowledge and a new level of understanding. I don't know how I recovered and I talked to Tim about my ED and my frustration that I dont feel I understand and he said "Do you even remember those years?" Quite honestly I don't. It all seems like a fog looking back. Years of my life are gone because I was so detached from reality. I went through the motions of living but never really lived. I didn't talk or reach out to friends or loved ones. I lost so many relationships because I didn't have the energy to do anything. I had a constant paranoia that everyone was going to try and make me eat and thus I stayed away from everyone.

I think I find it most hard to help Nic and to relate to her because I had absolutely no emotion when I was dealing with my ED. I can't relate to her emotional state and in the end that is what she will need. To deal with the emotion she has been covering and numbing with the ED. But for now, every spoonful is a defeat. Every spoonful is medicine.

I'm so thankful Tim will be home tomorrow. My stress level is very high and my health is on the decline. I don't know how i've gotten out of bed especially the last 2 days. I think once Tim gets home I will know I can rest easier and get some quality sleep.
Nic went to her room about a half hour after her smoothie snack and I followed after her and caught her leaning out of her window. Long story short she admitted she'd been purging out of her window. I've appointed Tim to take the hose through the yard when he gets home tomorrow.


I absolutely must keep this in mind also. I want to post it here so that I can see it and remind myself of it anytime I need it.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

प्रेत्टी गुड टुडे

Nic is not feeling very well tonight. She's running a temperature of 101.6, The house is 80 degrees and she's freezing. Even her skin is cold to touch, but her face is very warm. Poor baby. She doesn't want to go to the hospital but I told her if her temperature doesn't go down with the Motrin we will have to go. I also sort of want to go so they can check her throat and tell if she has been purging. I feel another flair on the horizon and my migraine tonight is nasty. Good news is I talked to Tim this evening and he's switched flights with someone from work and he will be home Monday evening instead of Wednesday. I am so happy. I miss him and could use the extra help and support.

Nic has therapy today after lunch. I'm starting to worry if this plan is working. I understand meltdowns and resistance is expected but at the same time i think this treatment is more based for young children who aren't legally able to leave at any point they feel. She hasn't threatened to leave. I went into her room this morning and told her breakfast was ready. She refused I let her know this was her 2nd meal refusal and the next one would result in a court order. 10 minutes later she came down sat at the table ate and started up chit chat. It was good! I worry so much about her. After this i'm going to be the one on the edge of my mind. One spoonful at a time, one day at a time

I'm so tired and sad. I feel like i've lost Nic forever. Tim's going to Ireland for work for almost 2 weeks. He says he has to go. I'm going to go to bed and cry.

तिरेड एंड सिक्क

Im tired and sick, fever chills the works. Tim took care of dinner tonight and ive been dozing. Apparently Nic threw her entire dinner across the kitchen and put her head on the table and just cried that she was sorry My heart aches for her. I just want to wave a wand over her:( I don't know how I slept through it. I wish I would've been up. No, I take that back. I just wish I knew exactly what was said or what all went on but Tim handled it really well and she volunteered to clean it up and told her dad " i just don't know who to trust anymore" Not sure what that means or who it's about or what. Tim isn't sure either and probably left out half of the conversation. I love him so much but listening is not a strong suit for him. Either way Tim said she finished dinner in 1 hr and 39 minutes including her fit. So that's a step in the right direction.

Anyway here's how our day went. Too tired to retype it all so copy/paste do your magic

Meeting with the treatment team went amazingly well. Hubby and I are very satisfied with their support and advice. We now have a plan!!! I feel like we have a road (although bumpy) to follow. No more shots in the dark

It's pretty similar to what we did last night except last night I had no idea what to do when she wouldn't eat! The whole treatment team is in agreement with a Court Order for In-Patient treatment after 3 non compliant meals. She has therapy with her old therapist once a week, psych every other week, weigh ins once a week with the nutritionist and every other week we will go with for meal planning. She's lost 1.8 pounds but the nutritionist said not to worry about it because what she's eaten this week won't be gained as actual weight until next week.

The nutritionist also added in 1 boost plus a day since Nic said Nope im lactose intolerant. After hearing Boost. Well sugar pie Boost Plus is lactose free I already know the boost will be hard. We are restricting incoming/outgoing calls and incoming texts on her phone. We're leaving outgoing texts on so that she can text dad and I. < Dad and I decided on this because we are worried about her leaving. No driving no outings without me or dad for now. No chances of wrecking a 3rd car.

Dad had a major slip of the tongue on the way home when Nic screamed about us treating her like a child. Dad said not to act like one. Way wrong thing to say. Nic said she didn't want to be like this and would rather be dead than be anorexic. Ripped my heart to hear it. So I asked if she was feeling suicidal and if she'd like to go to the hospital to be safe and she said no. So i'm really going to keep a close eye on her.

Her psych wants to put her back on Anti-depressants after she has gained at least 20 pounds. He doesn't want to put her back on now because she's malnourished and could react poorly physically and he wouldn't be able to give her an adequate dosage without risking overdose or not giving her a high enough dose.


I so wish I had an understanding family to discuss this all with. It gets frustrating. I wish I could call them up and tell them about progress or setbacks. They are all so stuck in thinking "It's for attention" or "Just tell her she's thin and pretty" They all drive me bonkers. Can't choose family though, that's what friends are for. The chosen family.

Now for the amusing part of the meeting. When Nic's therapist was trying to explain electrolyte imbalances and brain chemistry to hubby he kept squinting and saying "uh huh, oh i see, right" < this I have learned is code for "I am trying so hard to understand you but I have no idea what you're talking about." I was trying to contain my laughter. Poor guy. After she explained he just said "Now with all of what you just said, eating will make it all the way it's supposed to be? Or do I have to remember what you just told me? I'm confused." I about died.


-Kathleen

हब्बी थिंक्स हे'स फुन्न्य

Funny email from Hubby made me smile
Yes honey, it does take a genius

Reasons to avoid Florida

Wife makes hashbrowns

Cheap GPS-Getting warmer

ಒನ್ ಮೆಅಲ್ ಅಟ್ ಅ ಟೈಮ್

We finally got dinner eaten and it's 11:30pm. 6 hours! Tim went and got some work done from about 7-9 and sat with her from 9 til now. With Lupus sitting or laying down too long causes intense cramping and pain. My knees and hips feel like they've been stretched apart on a Rack. One of those torture devices. They strap people in ankles and wrists and tighten the ropes and so on. Too sore for a massage and I can't lay down. I did take a hot bath but that made it worse. I'm so tired and can't go to bed. Tim made me my favorite tea and tried to play me a song on guitar which was....interesting? :)

Once hubby came in at 9 we asked if she wanted a shake instead she said she wasn't hungry and was still too full from lunch to eat. Dad said "Well honey if you're too sick to eat maybe we should head to the ER" Nic didn't like that idea at all. After being informed that this was "bullshit" she settled on a soy shake with a "Fine!"

Tonight reminded me of when she was younger. She always hated touching food. On dirty dishes, sandwiches and she wouldn't eat finger food as a toddler. She's still the same way and she talked about it tonight a bit.

I am anxious to meet with the treatment team tomorrow. Tim's decided he's on board to do this at home so long as she starts gaining and eats. We figured she has 2 hours per meal to finish or we will A) take her to the hospital or B)Start discussing In-Patient options.

It's kind of hard establishing consequences because she's isolated herself from most everything she enjoyed before. I'm still kicking myself for this relapse. Looking back I should've known. But should've, could've, would've and that's not going to serve any purpose in getting her well.

I need to have a really good long hard cry. I'm going to look into therapy tomorrow. Taking my medication tonight so that hopefully the pain will ease a bit.




हम अंत में मिला और यह भोज खाया मानविकीवादियों के घंटे टिम चले गये और मिला बारे में से कुछ कार्य किया है और मामले से उनके साथ बैठ इफोक्ट्स अब बैठक के साथ नीचे सभापटल पर रखने या बहुत लम्बी कारणों तभी और तीव्र दर्द । घुटनों और कूल्हों महसूस करता हूं कि मेरे जैसे पृ रचा-बसा हुआ है वे जन्म-जन्मांतर पर एक पृथक होना । सूक्ष्म-तरंगों उन यातना में से एक है । चौड़ा कोड़ा टखने में वे लोग और कलाईयों और कसना रस्सियों और अत जारी है । बहुत अधिकता से मालिश करने के लिए एक और मॅँ कह सकता पृढूँढने निर्धारित करना । मॅँ ऐसा लेना चाहिए, लेकिन यह एक गर्म स्नान किया और खराब हो गयी है । अत मॅँ पृथके हुए हैं और कर सकता हूं पृ ढूँढने जाने से रोग-शय्या पर थीं

This afternoon was interesting. We got through lunch with tears and fightin words but we got through. I once convinced myself I married hubby for his humor after his jokes today i've realized he is no comedian. He laughs at his jokes and Nic and I laugh at him for laughing at his jokes. Half of them he messes up the punch line or forgets the punch line or they just don't make any sense.

I can't believe Nic's still sleeping. I went in and put a heating blanket on her and her feet were hanging out of the blanket and rubbed my leg, they were as cold as ice. Scared me for a minute and I had to watch her for a second to be sure she was breathing.

Hubby's applying for medical leave for work, which will give him 90 days to be home and help. He can also start his next job which he has almost 2 years to finish and present for beta. He's just going to miss the wrap up of the last game.

I feel like im not being productive though I know I am. It almost feels like im taking care of a toddler all over again. The whining, crying, tantrums, sleeping, meal prep, monitoring. But the good parts are there too. The love support and care we're trying to provide.

I've told dad to keep his eyes open and alert for cutting, purging, hiding food and so forth. This illness is extremely sneaky. Nic's 2nd IP trip she was unsuccessfully discharged for non-compliance for putting food into her milk carton and purging in the bath AFTER she had gained superb levels in their care. It's things like that, it makes me realize I need to be on constant high alert. I hate to say it but a lot of times when Nic is too happy with eating it's because she's getting away with something else and it calms her ED thinking down and it compromises. I don't want to tackle one problem just to have another going on in the background. I do want to see her happy and if she genuinely is I will for one be suspicious but I will also be happy for her.

Finished dinner early and have to get Nic up in a little less than an hour. My fingers are crossed for another successful meal. No matter how long it takes.

Shiny New Journal

Well,

I'm not sure where to begin so I will start with today. Nic is coming home tomorrow. PH doesn't feel they can provide the care they need for her, even though her psych asked them to keep her another week until we can work out a plan. I'm worried about her reaction. I hate seeing her thrown from place to place but I feel so much better knowing she's safe. Hubs and I had a nice peaceful dinner and watched a movie. It was almost relaxing but I can't stop thinking about Nic.

Hubby is having big trouble with work and can't take anytime away for at least the next month. After that he will be out of the country. After that he needs to go back to developing. He works constantly and will lock himself away for days at a time. Apparently one of their games went south this afternoon because of some hooplah I dont understand or frankly care to. During the conversation I stopped him and reminded him he was the one who suggested we stop life until Nic is at least on the right track. "He has to do these things" Catch 22 is without him working, no insurance, no money, no treatment.

It's all so frustrating. I feel like i'm trying to hold a stick house together in the middle of a tornado after everyone's run off to hide. I called and spoke with my sister today to cancel thanksgiving for sure and possibly Christmas. Her response, "Why can't she just eat for awhile so you all aren't missing holidays. This whole thing is absurd!" I know the whole family will give the same or similar response so i'm not calling anyone else. She can gossip it all around and I can avoid calls for a few days.

I don't understand why they won't keep her another week. This is really ripping me. She's not an immediate danger to anyone or herself and doesn't feel suicidal. Starvation seems pretty dangerous to me. Is that not valid? I am sick and tired of the mental health care in this country. It truly is disgusting.

When I was 14 my parents threw me into a hospital and I was told "Eat or you won't see your parents again." It's the same mentality. Eat and impress us while you're here and then out the door. tonight will be a night without sleep. I will be up tossing and turning trying to figure what to do on it. I feel the urgency of everything flooding me and I am so overwhelmed. Hubby's started smoking again after a year.

I wish I knew what to do or say to save my baby girl, just to bring her back. Her smile, her hugs her laugh. I miss her liveliness. It's hard looking at her again, she's become a shell of a person all over. I love her to bits no matter though.

Kathleen